Memories
by Dark Closure
Summary: Donatello reminices about his time in a different reality at a different time.  SAINW based one shot


Memories

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Donatello ran his fingers over the thick leather binding of the journal. Writing in the blank pages was a sort of theory for him; it was something he could write all his secrets into and not worry about his brothers or father peering into. It was his way to come to terms to the bad things that had happened to him and his family through out the years -ignited in an eternal chain reaction of misfortune ever since the first mouser chewed through the brick walls of their once peaceful home. He wrote about that, wrote in details along with sketches of how the little mechanical creatures worked. He wrote about meeting April, Baxter, Casey, everything. If he had anything mushy and potentially embarrassing to write down he had no worry of the words being discovered. Why? Simple, each one of them had something special that they used to cope with. For Michelangelo it was his sketch books, Raphael was a small address book that he would write down the date and a few choice words and let it be that. Leonardo had scroll after scroll of practiced calligraphy that he used to draw out landscapes he had seen in their adventures, a few choice kanji and a date. If asked, Donatello would let them read the pages he covered front and back. They all shared, it was a type of bonding. But the one thing he had the most trouble writing about was that one day. That horrible day when he was sent to an alternate world, thirty years into the future. He had tired so many times to write about it, but he never could. If he wrote about it then he would be admitting that it happened, that he watched his brothers fall apart, get back together only long enough to die one by one.

A pink tongue flickered over his dry lips. His hands were shaking. He needed to write about this, needed to get it out of his head. He needed to remove that weight that felt like a stone tied to his heart and let it take over the paper and pen.

With a heavy sigh, he began to write;

_Life is no ordeal. That's what many will say. I have a hard time believing that after what I had seen -what I have felt. To understand my story, one must go back to the power hungry son of the Daimyo of the Battle Nexus and his accomplice, Draco, the ten foot tall lizard with an over powering need to become drunk off of__ the__ misfortune of others. They had come __just __back from the ends of the universe, melded together in a grotesque creature of malice and poisonous hate. He had grabbed the Time Scepter, __and came__ to my home. I remember I was doing a live video chat with April at the time, talking to her about intergalactic and time travel and how it felt. There had been such a bright light as Draco and the Daimyo's son suddenly appeared in vortex of electricity and whirling wind. We tried to fight him, got the scepter from him only to be easily expelled to all corners of time and reality. From what my brothers have told me... I was the most unfortunate._

_The place I was sent to was thirty years into the future, in an alternate reality. I remember the feeling of suddenly blinking, falling to the ground only to squint and find the lair torn apart, dark and rotting in the whispers of the past. I felt my heart grow heavy, a lump formed in my throat as I called out for my brothers. A worry, sickening and sorrowful, settled in my gut with every breath I took. I looked for them, moved rocks, left the lair, found the tunnel-er to be the only working thing that was left and even then it was in bad shape. I was hoping that if I came to the surface I would find a clue, go to April's or Casey's and beg them to tell me what had happened. All I was greeted with was the thick air that tasted of soot and car exhaust. It was hard to breathe with all the pollution that had blotted out the mid-day sun, replacing it with a veil of sick amber._

_I got cornered right away by vehicles, a helicopter up above my head swirling the dust around me from how low it was flying. One of the men was yelling at me, calling me "citizen" and placing some sort of demand that made no sense to me. The group spotted something above, they turned their attention up and I saw the Foot symbol on the shoulders of these men uniformed in black. Bullets were flying, all I could do while the shadow darted around systematically taking out man after man. Then the mysterious figure grabbed one of the automatic rifles and began to open fire on the helicopter until the gas-tank was rittled with holes and ignited the air-terrain vehicle._

_I remember being amazed and wow'ed by all this one person could do, but that amazement was short lived. I met my savior and instantly bottled up what I was really feeling._

_Mikey, my little brother, Mikey was missing an arm._

Donatello stopped writing, his shaky hand putting down the pen in favor to pick up a coffee cup. The bitter liquid inside sloshed around as he sipped trying to calm his nerves. It's been about a year now, and yet it still affected him when he thought about it. Michelangelo with out his arm, with all those hideous scars and eyes hard as a cold soldier's. Putting down his cup he stared at what he had written. He wanted to tear it all up, reject the idea that it could ever happen, any and all of it. But if he didn't write it down then...

He looked over to his brothers. They were all asleep in a pile in the middle of the floor. They all had a long day prier, filled with battle and the struggle to survive, prove that they too had the right to live. The thick bandage on Michelangelo's leg stained with a spot of red, Raphael had his head wrapped up from nearly getting his skull opened up the hard way, and Leonardo had third degree burns on his sides from an attack he could not defend himself against while he was pinned by swords. He had nearly lost them, he himself came out with only a broken leg, and a nasty crack in his plastron that traveled down his pectoral to where his belly-button would have been if he was human. The near death experience had brought back memories, memories he wished he never had.

Picking the pen back up he began to write once more. If he did not get this all out now, then he would never sleep, the memories would just keep replaying over and over every time he went to close his eyes.

_Michelangelo took me away from that place, told me stories about how I had been missing for thirty years. According to him I was there then I was just suddenly gone. They looked everywhere to no avail. There was a churning in my stomach, he didn't have to tell me the result of finding no body and no trace. I was dead in that world, but they had always hoped I would magically show up, that I would be ready with a plan and a new gadget so they could take down the dictator known as Shredder. It never happened that way, all they got was me, a turtle that was and was not their brother._

_I found out that Splinter had died trying to save his remaining sons. He told me about how it was in that struggle he lost his arm and how Raphael and Leonardo separated. They could barely look at each other with out feeling the grief of not being able to save their father and master. It tore them apart and I am ashamed to say that it was quite like them. Leonardo always did what Master Splinter told him to do. Raphael on the other hand was the type of person to throw himself in front of a bullet for his family. Out of all of us, he loves this family the most and before this hellish experience... I took it for granted. I always looked at him and Leo and thought, "They fight so much, but they would never abandon each other." I always believed that I could let my guard down around the enemy because Raph would be right there watching my back. I always drowned myself in my work thinking that it would be okay because Leo would come and get me when I was doing too much. Now that I know that everything could fall apart, just crumble... I... I feel scared, and some what ashamed. I feel I need to prepare them more, that if I do disappear that there would be some way to find me, and if there was not then there would be a back up plan. That they would have something there for them to be able to prevent Mikey from loosing his arm, to make sure Sensei doesn't die, and that Leo and Raph wouldn't go their separate ways._

_I'm- I'm getting off track. Um... Mikey showed me to April. Her hair was gray and her eyes were dark with sorrow and heavy with stress related wrinkles. I remembered how old her skin felt as she hugged me tightly. I remember feeling stupid, insensitive, and heavy with grief when I asked where Casey was, only to be told he had died in an attempt to save the world from Shredder. I remember... asking them to get a hold of Raphael and Leonardo, I needed them, I needed my family if we were going to put a stop to this hell. Mikey was pretty sure it would never work, April was willing to try anything. I think she believed we could pull it off; if she could get Hun and a symbiotic Baxter to make an exo-suit out of one of the Karai robots then anything could happen. At least that was what I was sure the April form my world would say._

_It was several hours before Leo showed up, Raph arriving at the same time. The scars... one of Raph's eyes were missing, Leo's were pale blue behind his black sunglasses. He was loosing sight rapidly. From what? I didn't know. All I knew was that when they were screaming at each other, yelling and trying to place blame I couldn't handle it. I was already in shock from this horrid world, I didn't need them to act like wounded dogs._

_I took my staff, and struck them both. They growled, and hissed through their teeth, angry over the sudden assault. But then it all disappeared, Leo's shoulders raised a few inches, no longer looking so heavy. Raph hugged me. He hugged me._

Donnie blinked back tears. A hand coming up to rest against his arm where that brother had wrapped his arms around him. He could still feel the warmth, still smell the scent. His body under that jacket was strong as his Raph, his smells the same, his voice the same. The feeling of Leo's gloved hands patting him on the shell as they rejoiced to see him. They were so happy. He knew if they had the choice they would have asked him to just stay, to leave with them and they all could be a family once more. But there was no time for happiness, for rejoicing, nor long hugs and comforting words. They had to fight...

_It surprised me that he hugged me, and I enjoyed it all the same. Raph isn't much for physical touches unless it's a casual punch to the shoulder or wrestling. I liked it, I wanted to hold on back. I wanted to say, "Don't worry, I can fix your eye, and make Mikey a new arm, and repair Leo's sight." I wanted so hard to say that, but I knew better. I knew I couldn't and even if I could we needed to get rid of the world that was covered in tombs and burnt trees._

_We made a plan. We tried to make sure that no matter what, even if we all died, that Shredder would be taken care of. That night, when we prepared for battle, I hugged each one of my brothers. I held onto them tightly as if that alone could tell them how much I loved them and if they died... I could only beg the one that was once me that belonged to this world would take care of them. Before I knew it, it was time to go. I remember trying hard not to break down, when on the way Mikey made a joke that made all of us laugh. The way they looked, they needed a fourth turtle, they needed... me. I felt like such a failure, even if it wasn't really me who had disappeared on them. I made a vow that moment that I would never leave my family ever. Even if I was killed, I would follow them in spirit and try to keep them as safe as possible. I would try my best to let them know I was still with them until the whole family had their time to go on. That way, no one was alone._

Purple looked over at the pile of turtles, snoring away. Mikey trying to steal any blanket that threatened to come with in reach, Raph rolled over and flopped an arm on Leo and a leg on Mikey. Leo grunted in his sleep and adjusted so that his side did not have a chance to be hit by sleeping limbs. Donnie sniffled, running the back of his hand across his beak. This was getting harder to write. But there was no turning back... not now, not ever.

_They died. Mikey was first, surrounded by Karai-bots. It took at least four to take down the handicapped turtle and I can say this now -it fills me with pride that it took that many. But the way he called my name, the way his eyes were filled with fearful tears as he was being surrounded... it'll forever haunt me. Because with in a blink of an eye, a half of a heart beat, he was taken from me. Struck down, life snuffed out. I was attacking, over and over, but I was still aware of Raph and Leo. They had been so focused on their battles they did not see Mikey go, but the way they fought more vigorously they had heard him calling, heard his dying shout._

_Leo was the next to go, cut down by Karai. That... that woman._

Shaking, he was shaking from pure anger. That woman was given so many chances, and she knew -she **knew** what Shredder was doing was wrong but she didn't care. She was spouting lies about honor and how she must do all of those horrible things. She was trying to beg Leo to back away but he wouldn't. He was tired of letting her off the hook. Because of her, and her inability to make the right decision -because of all the chances he had given her- that world had been born. Donatello had never hated anyone before so much.

He snapped the pen in half, ink bursting all over two pages. He tore them out, cleaned up his mess, and found another pen. Re-writing what he had lost he tried to calm himself enough to continue writing.

_She deserved what she got, though I wished it was as gruesome as her so called "father's" demise. She took Leo for granted, she thought he would just leave if she asked him too. She believed she could just kill as many people of his family and he would just let it roll off his shell. He had enough, and he almost had her. If it wasn't for the Karai-bot that had snuck up on him, if it wasn't for that... __**bitch**__ striking him through the back Leo would have ended her life first. He would have lived, so would have Raph, but the Karai-bot was there, and Karai herself threw all of her poetic spouts of honor to the wind and killed him while his back was turned._

_I felt my heart tear as Raph shouted and howled. He had yet to tell Leo he was sorry for everything, Leo had yet to apologize for his actions... they had not made amends with each other at all. There was only me and him left. The way he acted, the way he was blinded by his grief and anger, I knew he forgot about me. All he could see was this world's Donnie suddenly disappearing, Splinter dying, Mikey slaughtered, and Leo slain. In all truths, he was all by himself. He pushed himself, he almost had her, but he left himself open and was killed. I choked on my own breath as he tried to crawl over to Leo's body. He wanted his family back, wanted to say he was sorry for everything. I knew right then that deep down he wanted to hug them all. He wanted Mikey to joke around, wanted Leo to lecture him, he needed Splinter to swat at his hand with his walking stick. He needed his family and I couldn't provide it to him._

"Donnie?"

Brown eyes looked over his shoulder finding Raph sitting up, rubbing at his eyes. "Thirsty Raph?"

"No, I..." He blinked a few times in the dark, "You okay Don?"

"I'm fine," he forced a smile on his lips.

"Then why are you crying?"

"I'm not-"

He leaned back when Raphael crawled over, a thick finger wiping away at the salty liquid that was running down his cheek. Those eyes of his brother narrowed down on him... Two eyes, this Raph still had two eyes, this one he could provide the comfort of family to. But the other... He sniffled turning back to his journal. "I'm fine," he lied once again. As if to make a point he put the pen back onto the paper.

_Shredder had grabbed the mech-suit I was in. While I struggled to get him into position, April took Karai's life. The tail edge of the explosion from the rocket launcher finished her off, and I find myself wishing she would have burst into bits._

_I got Shredder into position, the grapplers wrapped around his battle-suit pulling him in, pinning my suit between him and the spiraling plasma charge that could cut through anything. I barely had enough time to unbuckle myself and jump out. It was only a few seconds and he had been torn from his world the hard way. I surveyed the destruction in the aftermath._

_I could see my dead brothers' their bodies no longer drawing breath. Crimson mingled together, and I couldn't just leave Mikey off to the side by himself. I moved some of the debris from his body, carefully wiping off the plaster and dust before dragging him a little to pull him up into my arms. The smear left behind seemed to mach me as I moved him to be with the others. I carefully arranged them, sentimentally putting their hands together. "My poor brothers," I said backing away from them. "My poor poor brothers. This world is horrible." April gave me some speech about how it was okay, our sacrifice saved everything she knew. It was of little comfort._

_But then something started to phase me out, pulling me away from the nightmare. I welcomed it. The next thing I knew I was standing next to a confused looking Mikey and Raph. There was some sort of battle going on, I would realize later it was Splinter against the Draco and Daimyo's son mutation. All I cared was that they were there, they were live. Raph was young, he had both eyes, he was breathing and warm. Mikey had both arms, his eyes were still innocent. The relief was great, but what I had seen could never be washed away._

Warm arms pulled at him. Donatello blinked as he was pulled from behind and both sides away from the coffee table he was writing in his journal at. Three sets of arms wrapped around him, as he blinked confused at his brothers. Leo behind him, Mikey to his right, and Raph to his left. They held tight and he didn't care that his plastron was aching in protest from the harsh treatment. He let the tears fall from his eyes, slip away from his chin to the floor. He didn't care if someone came in and saw him blubbering like a baby at that very moment. He needed this out, he needed his brothers. And here they were, reaffirming that they were drawing breath, and they were not willing to go anywhere for a while. He had his family, and he would always remember the family he had helped accomplish the greatest mission they needed to do before passing on. And a part of his heart beat happily. It wasn't random chance he showed up there in that particular future. He knew deep down, it was the other him that had brought him there.

His tears turned into those of relief as that weight on his heart lifted. He smiled bitterly as the tears subsided.

If only he came to terms earlier, then it wouldn't have hurt so bad. But now... now everything was okay.

"No more cryin' for you. You got that?" Raph grumbled as Donatello leaned against his brothers.

"Yeah, you sound like a girl," Mikey snickered. "Ow!" he complained when Leo reached over and swatted at the little brother.

"What Mikey means," he gave a small glare before softening his gaze. "Is that we worry. If something is bothering you, you should talk to us about it."

"I'm sorry guys," brown eyes closed. This was the best spot in the world to be, he decided. "But really, I'm fine."

This time, it wasn't a lie.

END


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